I didn't know if I was going to write about this, but because this blog is also a form of documentation of our lives, I would like to reflect a bit on my feelings:
Next week our baby will be full term. He could come at any moment... and I am now undecided if I am ready. I read this quote today and it is really starting to resonate with me given the recent events in Newtown, Connecticut:
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” - Elizabeth Stone
I am terrified to let my "heart" outside of my body. If something were to ever happen to my son, I just don't know how I could go on, how I would ever breath again. I haven't even met him yet. I have many friends, cousins, and fellow bloggers with children that have all reacted to the horror of the event. Many of them encouraging homeschooling, and all of them crying. On one hand I don't feel like I can really grasp the magnitude and pain tragedy because I am still pregnant. But, on the other hand, my heart is now that of a parent's and I am full of sorrow for these families who have lost their babies at what should be the best, most magical time of year, especially for those with children.
But, the reality is, I can't keep our baby inside, safe forever. He will go out into the world. There will be dangers. There will be people who aren't nice. The best thing I can hope for is that he will always be a good person, and I can hope that he will never encounter someone that is out to harm others. I can teach him to know when to be brave and what brave means in a moment of crisis.
But truly, I have to think and know how great will it be to have him out in the world with me and his dad. To actually be able to kiss his little toes and fingers. To cuddle and connect with "my heart" on the outside. I can't wait to see what he looks like. More and more I imagine a little Patrick curled up in a ball in my belly, just waiting to come out and see the world with his
little big blue eyes. I am very grateful to have him in my life now, and I vow to do all I can to protect him from this cruel world, and teach him to protect himself as well.
Craving: Water - lots and lots of water
Avoiding: Thinking I am in labor
Ailments: Torn Tummy Muscles
Sleep: Actually getting some, as long as I cut back on the liquid intake around 5 o'clock.
Weight: Haven't weighed myself...
Favorite thing about being pregnant: Being near the end
Least favorite thing: The feeling of a sunburned stomach - on the inside