Today I bought a pregnancy test because everyone around me (Pat and my coworker) asked me if I was pregnant. I was showing some of the signs again - strange bouts of acne, strange reactions to metal (my new mother's day ring) and cravings for afternoon milkshakes (Wendy's frostys). These were all VERY present in my pregnancy with Bear.
The test was negative.
While I was standing in the checkout line with the test, a pregnant girl was in the line in front of me with 3 boxes of Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs, chocolate milk and sweet potatoes. It was clear she was having major cravings and she was VERY pregnant.
The poor teenage boy that was checking us out probably had no idea what to do with us. Especially when I told him I would be putting the pregnancy test directly in my purse. I did this for 2 reasons.
1. I didn't want Pat to think I was absurd for thinking I was pregnant again.
2. If I was pregnant, I thought it would be a delightful surprise to tell him on Father's day.
Again, I am not pregnant.
I was so anxious. I sat in the bathroom with my purse and a stick on the floor. It was negative. A sigh of relief swept over me. But, simultaneously, I was missing the baby that wasn't there. I am currently dreaming of a little girl.
But, if our next baby is a boy, I will be well practiced. I love my little boy so.
My mother sent me this picture last month. It is us in the hospital. My little Bear so small.
It makes me feel a love so deep, one that I forgot about. The first meeting of a mother and child. The immediate bond that happens. I can't wait to feel that again.
But let's give it a year.