I didn't know that becoming a mom of two would help me with my identity of being a mother. Right before becoming pregnant with my youngest I was having serious identity issues on being a mom or being Emily. I started running and this helped me to find balance in being both a mom and an individual. It brought forth the requirement for balance. I was feeling REALLY good with my running. I was sticking with it. Then I found out I was pregnant. I didn't feel confident in my physical ability with the newness of running and having had a miscarriage in the past; I thought it was selfish to continue so I put my running on hold. I was actually pretty depressed for the next couple months after giving it up.
My pregnancy was brutal on me physically but I actually attribute that to my stress levels. As you may have read in my previous posts, we sold our house, moved into my grandparent's condo for a month, then into a hideous basement apartment for a month before lucking out on our new home. Meanwhile, work was the most stressful it had ever been. Once we moved into our new home, I was able to release that stress. I started to practice hypnobirthing (although a little late in the game) and guided meditation geared toward pregnancy. This and hour long baths in my giant tub really helped bring me back down to earth.
Fast forward nearly a month, my supermoon baby blessed us with his presence. This is when life's need for balance REALLY came into play for me. This is when patience, grace and forgiveness made their permanent place in my home. In the last six weeks I have had to find patience with my eldest, grace with my husband, and forgiveness for myself. With each of these yins comes the yang and those yangs are my weakness.
I have been home bonding with my youngest son and during this time I have been reading books on Buddhism and motherhood, meditating, and reconnecting with friends and family. Having little family nearby, it is important to create a support system that I can count on, and having a baby really shows the true colors of people. But the creation of my village is going to be crucial for the coming months and years.
My darling husband leaves before we wake up in the morning and gets home just before bedtime. This is going to make life even more hectic once I go back to work. This is why I need to hone in on patience, grace, and forgiveness. My fuse will be shortened with fatigue and stress. Practicing these now will help my family continue to grow and thrive, no matter what life forces upon us. I see myself growing in new ways with Bear. Being able to stop and take a breath, evaluate situations and finding new solutions before losing my cool is the best part of this positive change and probably the most important.