a mom's style

Gone are the days of the high-waisted, mom butt jeans... and if you do see a mom wearing them, well they are probably vintage 501 Levis and she is probably a hipster. Being a mom does not immediately turn you into a frumpy, short-haired, floral mu-mu wearing woman anymore!

We moms are hanging onto our youth! We are hanging onto our glory! I can empathize with the high-waisted  jeans... they feel like they hold you in... hold you together after having a baby and a VERY squishy belly. But 501s are not for me. I have a different kind of style.

But now I am trying to define that style.

Immediately postpartum I was VERY aware of the yoga pant uniform that many suburban mothers don. It really did feel like getting dressed most days. But, I wasn't going out into public. I was held up in my little house with a crying baby that would most likely spit up, explode on, etc. all over my dark yoga pants. And guess what? That was fine! It was part of my mom badge.

Now that we are going out in public more, I am finding it hard to dress the person I have become and the new body I have. Monday - Thursday I am fortunate to work in a VERY casual office. It isn't a rarity to find all the people in my department in a T-shirt and jeans. But we often wear fun sandals to counteract the casual. Because the dress code is so lax, I, too, find myself being lax. I put VERY little effort into what I wear, or how I do my hair. Let's be honest, getting ready in the morning is no longer a priority. Sleep is.

I can't think of the last time I straightened my own hair. My hair is the longest it has been in YEARS and it is constantly curly frizzy now.

Friday - Sunday I am home with my family and often don't venture out into the world. My yoga pant uniform is back in full swing. It's too hot to take my little guy to do anything fun outdoors. Anything indoors cost $$$. So, why dirty a pair of jeans that I can wear during the week?

NO! This is the wrong mentality! This is how we slip into frumpy mom-dum! I won't allow it! So what is the plan? What am I going to do about it? Well, I am shopping for staple pieces that are kid friendly and mother approved.

I am now bending over in public to pick up Bear, change his diaper in my backseat, pick up dropped nuk nuks while he is in my arms. My shorty shorts and jumpers are out of the question. My baby is getting heavier and grabbier, strapless dresses and tube-tops are also a no-go. Oh, and I nurse too. So I have to plan for that too! Boobie convenience. It's a thing. (And not in the strapless tube-top kinda way).

So, I have started pinning more for ideas! Here's my board - "Fashion-Able" because even though I am a mom, it's still possible to dress well and look put together. Wish me luck!

The idea of another bebe....

Today I bought a pregnancy test because everyone around me (Pat and my coworker) asked me if I was pregnant. I was showing some of the signs again - strange bouts of acne, strange reactions to metal (my new mother's day ring) and cravings for afternoon milkshakes (Wendy's frostys). These were all VERY present in my pregnancy with Bear.

The test was negative.

While I was standing in the checkout line with the test, a pregnant girl was in the line in front of me with 3 boxes of Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs, chocolate milk and sweet potatoes. It was clear she was having major cravings and she was VERY pregnant.

The poor teenage boy that was checking us out probably had no idea what to do with us. Especially when I told him I would be putting the pregnancy test directly in my purse. I did this for 2 reasons.

1. I didn't want Pat to think I was absurd for thinking I was pregnant again.

2. If I was pregnant, I thought it would be a delightful surprise to tell him on Father's day.

Again, I am not pregnant.

I was so anxious. I sat in the bathroom with my purse and a stick on the floor. It was negative. A sigh of relief swept over me. But, simultaneously, I was missing the baby that wasn't there. I am currently dreaming of a little girl.

But, if our next baby is a boy, I will be well practiced. I love my little boy so.

My mother sent me this picture last month. It is us in the hospital. My little Bear so small.

It makes me feel a love so deep, one that I forgot about. The first meeting of a mother and child. The immediate bond that happens. I can't wait to feel that again.

But let's give it a year.

5 months : Emotional Feeding

This post is about breast feeding and milk supply. If that doesn't interest you, please do not feel obligated to read the following:

Growing up I remember hearing that one should nurse for at least 3 months. Doing that will give your baby all the antibodies he will need. This is always what I thought I would do. 'ese days the recommended amount of time is 12 months. After 3 months came and went, I can see why they encourage moms to nurse longer. That is no time at all! Many mama's are unabashedly going even longer! My goal is 12 months, but the idea of weaning is heart breaking. I want my baby to need me forever. Perhaps this is more that I don't want him to grow up? Get bigger? All of the above?

When I first switched to Dr. Leonard while I was pregnant I asked him to recommend a breast pump. I told him I would be going back to work after Bear was born. He said he recommended breast milk for 12 months but often times milk production would go down after moms return to work. He seemed sad that I would be returning to work for this reason. I followed suit but was sure I would have a strong milk supply. 

I have been back to work for about 3 months now. Pumping with my Medela Pump In Style Advanced has been going swimmingly! Until the last 2 weeks that is. I would normally get about 4-5 ounces per session, equaling about 15 ounces per day. This is outstanding for a pumping mama! Many moms are only able to get 2 ounces per session.

Last Monday I became one of those moms. 

This noticeable supply reduction started after our freezer store had been depleted. I should have seen this coming. My growing boy started needing more than than what I was able to pump. He was drinking about 6-7 ounces per feeding at daycare. 

I never introduced Bear to formula as my pediatrician recommended because my supply had been going strong. His idea behind this is that if my supply were to run out, and Bear had never had formula before, we may be in for a world of hurt if he had to quit BM cold turkey and got to formula. And now I had nothing to mix the formula with to ease the transition. We were screwed. 

The constant knot in my stomach for the last few weeks could be likened to getting in trouble by my dad in 6th grade for going to the fair without an adult. I felt guilty and hopeless. So, in true Emily fashion, I Googled it. I needed to find a solution. Come to find out, there are many options to increase a milk supply! There is a thing called "Power Pumping," but I don't have time in the work day to do that. (Ain't nobody got time for that!) Then there are the supplements everyone knows about: Fenugreek and Mother's Milk Tea. Tuesday I went to Sprouts and purchased both. I then took/drank the recommended amount. 

Wednesday, it was a milky miracle!

I got over 5 ounces in one pumping! 

And then my armpits started smelling like maple syrup. Seriously. Maple freaking syrup. (I made Pat smell my armpit just to make sure I wasn't going batty).

That night, Wednesday, Bear woke up at 10:30 for his normal 10:30 feeding. I propped him on his Boppy pillow. He refused me. His screams and wails brought Pat out of bed. I thought maybe he was just overly tired so I walked him around until he calmed down. Then I tried to nurse him again. Full tantrum. At this point, exhaustion and exasperation had set in and I started crying too. He refused me 2 more times and I decided it was time  to use the VERY LAST bag of milk in the freezer. He took the bottle from Pat, no problem. This started to feel very personal. I walked out of the nursery, sobbing, heart breaking.

I moved to the living room and set up my pump. I turned back into the depressed reclusive person I had been all week prior to the supply increase. Thoughts of formula and a distant child, a child that didn't need me ran through my head. I felt like I had let Bear, and myself, down. I didn't know I would be this emotionally attached to nursing. 

.   .   .

Later in the night he nursed like a champ and relief swept over me. The next dayI quit the fenugreek. I thought maybe the smell of the maple syrup or something was freaking him out. 

All this hubbub got me thinking that he may be ready for a little more in his tummy. I gave in to another internal struggle about starting him on solids be for I was ready. I spent my lunch hour buying him what I thought was the best Organic Rice Cereal.

I was discussing it later with my co-worker when our Operations Manager mentioned an article in Consumer Reports about Arsenic in Rice. After reading it, and feeling like I SUCK at feeding my son, I called the pediatrician and asked if there was an alternative to arsenic, cancer-causing, food. The nurse had heard nothing of this report and waited from word from the doctor. He said it was fine to start Bear on oatmeal cereal instead of rice. 

And so, this Saturday morning, we mixed 1 tablespoon of rice cereal with 4 ounces of breast milk and fed it to our little guy. He was confused initially, but then seemed interested enough in it. He opened his mouth each time the spoon came toward him! I have heard this means he is ready for this stage. 

This is but another milestone, among many, that I have to accept. He is growing at lightening speed. Did I mention that he rolled over on Friday???

A Baby's Bed Time

There were a few months when our little guy would get so fussy that he was not capable to go sleep at night. We knew he was so tired, so why wouldn't he just friggin' sleep!? This was the source of many tears for this mama and Pat saved me many times from a mental breakdown. Bedtime became known as "the witching hour" in our house.  I would have serious anxiety about bedtime, honestly dreading it.

After returning to work, my co-worker, also a first time mom, told me that she put her son down at 6 pm, no no exceptions. She is Korean, so at first I thought this was her "Dragon Mom" ways. But as our crazy nights continued, I thought she may be on to something. So, after trying so many things, we thought we would give it a go. We swaddled Bear nice and tight right at 6 pm, made sure he was good and fed and rocked him a little bit. His little eyes got heavy immediately and he was out like a light. We haven't looked back since.
I have been trying really hard to create a routine for him. It goes like this:

• Pick him up from daycare
• Play with him a bit (but he's generally starting to get fussy)
• Put him in his jammies
• Swaddle him
• Nurse him

He is mostly at the stage where I can put him in his crib while he is still awake and he is able to fall asleep on his own. Most the time.

But here is the hard part, we miss him. 3 out of 4 days Pat doesn't get to see him at all because he doesn't get home from work until after 6:30pm and leaves before he is awake. I try to keep our little guy up without reaching the point of no return, but it's no use. The fussing starts, the rubbing of the eyes - all the clear signs of baby exhaustion.

This makes me wonder, however, were we ignoring these signs when he was younger?

Regardless, this new bedtime makes life less stressful on all of us. Bear fusses less and Pat and I get our alone time, even if that means folding laundry and doing dishes.

And then, in the morning, Bear looks at us like this:

3 Months: Relationships...

In life you create relationships with people who already know themselves... at least for the most part. They know if they are night owls, or if they eat breakfast or just have a cup of coffee instead. They know if they prefer white bread or whole wheat. They have their own style, good or bad. They know their morals and what they stand for. When you create your relationship with them, they teach you these things  about themselves that are already established. That they, themselves, have established and selected for themselves. 

My son is not established. We are learning everything about him together. In this time of discovery, we both become so frustrated with one another, but also share in the moments of delight that seem to fill my heart so full tears stream from my eyes. He loves mornings and hates tummy time. He refuses pacifiers until he is lying in his crib. He thinks getting dressed is fun and loves to have his bum wiped. Kiss his feet and in return received the widest, gummiest smile you have ever seen! We didn't know all this 2 months ago.

2 months ago we were all frustrated. We were all crying. None of us slept through the night.

Now my boy sleeps from 6pm -12am, only waking to eat, then peacefully falls back to sleep until 3am. This began a week ago when he started sleeping in his crib. My heart broke. Not because we let him cry it out... or because he hated it. In fact, neither of those things happened. He took to it like a fish to water. My heart broke because he didn't need me next to him like I need him. 

The soft sound of his breath does not translate through the baby monitor. Only the cries that startle me awake and the occasional sleepy coo. I must accept that this is part of him establishing himself. He is already becoming more independent and exploratory and for that I should be excited. He is learning to trust himself, as well as us.

During the day he lays in his Pack'n Play and stares and bats at the little animals that hang above him and makes new sounds, exploring his own abilities. I ask him to repeat the squeaks and squeals of delight, to which he responds with his confused eyebrows and then goes about his baby business. 

As we learn about him together, I am trying so hard to remember every detail about our journey. The faces he makes, the pitch of his noises, what makes him happy, even the little warm tears that fall onto my arms occasionally. While we take this journey together, I hope that I am able to help him to establish himself into someone great - someone people can look to as a trusted friend, a giving man, and a motivated citizen of the world - someone I can be proud of, but most importantly, someone he is proud to be.

And I hope for him that when he is grown and creating relationships with others, that he knows exactly who he is, what he likes and how to share himself positively with others. I hope to look to him in my old age and think to myself, "I helped shape that man into who he is, and he is tremendous."

These 3 months have sped by, and yet I can hardly remember my life without him.

Sleeping with a newborn

A sleeping newborn is one of the scariest things in the world. The wrong noise at night and your whole evening can come crashing down around you. In our case, that would be a door latching. I am not sure that our little Bear is considered a newborn anymore. He is rapidly approaching FOUR weeks (tomorrow). But, in that four weeks, Pat and I struggled, I cried (a lot) and then we came up with some tricks.

Being a new parent is probably the most challenging thing I have ever done. Mostly because I want to do everything right and be the best possible mom in the world. When your baby is crying at night, and those first little baby tears fall from your baby's eyes, prepare yourself. Sometimes, you just can't stop his tears, or yours.

Our second night home Bear wouldn't stop crying. We tried everything, or so we thought. Pat took the baby out of our room because I was getting so emotional and frustrated. He sat, frustrated, in our front room and let our baby cry. As a mother, this was the most difficult thing for me to endure. So, I picked myself up out of bed and together, Pat and I sat in our wingback chairs and tried to console the inconsolable.

Bear laid on my chest skin to skin, then we fed, then we laid skin to skin again. (REPEAT) Pat brought pillows and blankets out to make me comfortable and our little family fell asleep that way.

Fast forward to 4 weeks - here are some of the tricks we have learned along this journey.

Take turns: although Pat doesn't always follow this rule (there have been a few nights where he will let me sleep through the night, much to my chagrin). Our turn taking consists of Pat getting up to change the diaper, then he brings a fresh little baby to me for feeding. The trade off? I get to sleep just a little longer during the changing, and Pat gets to sleep while I feed.
Another time to take turns is during the fussy nights. We try to take it in shifts where I will rock our little guy until I can rock no more (standing is required of course), then Pat will take over. A little sleep can go a long way if you are successful in this.

White noise: I repeat, white noise! This was an absolute life saver for us! After a few weeks of up every 2 hours for feeding, Bear had gained lots of weight (he never lost weight after birth) we decided he could sleep a little longer through the night. But the new problem was getting him to sleep. Before we could even put him down he would start wailing. His bottom chin would quiver and my heart would break. That is until my boss told me about the bathroom fan. It makes perfect sense! The sound mimics the womb. So, one night, during my turn, Bear and I sat in the guest bathroom, on the toilet for 2 hours. 2 very peaceful hours of him being wide eyed in the dark. No sleep yet. But, finally, when my butt could no longer take it, we went into his nursery and I found a box fan recording on YouTube. It played for 8 glorious hours and got my little guy to sleep. I laid awake on the couch and he laid on my chest.
Last night was the first night we didn't have to play it for him to get him to sleep, but I am not taking it out of my back pocket just yet.

Swaddle: your baby in nice and snug, just like in the womb!

Use a pacifier: this is controversial to me, but some nights it has been a life saver. I did not want to introduce a pacifier to our son until he was at least 4 weeks old, but that terrible night I mentioned above, where I became a human pacifier, that was the breaking point. I asked our pediatrician about what we should do, and he said to give it to him. I was kind of shocked, and VERY defeated by this. I was cranky and sullen that entire day. Remember that whole wanting to be the best parent ever thing? I wasn't sure this was the best thing, but it was for my nipples. So we tried it.
Much to my relief, Bear doesn't like the pacifier much at all, in fact, he gets angry when we give it to him. He is smart and knows we are trying to dupe him. BUT, there have been a few instances where he takes it, with my thumb resting on his cheek, and he sleeps peacefully.
My thought on this is, you can take a pacifier away, but not a thumb.
(We have not had any nipple confusion, which is often the fear of introducing the pacifier.)

Be realistic: you knew when you got knocked up that this time was coming. The sleep deprivation. You ARE going to be tired. This time is about your baby, not you. Feed him when he needs fed. Rock him. Burp him. Sing to him. Shush him. Comfort him. Anything he needs. Then, nap with him during the day.

Now, 5 nights out of 7 we get about two stints of 4 consecutive hours of sleep each night. That is, when I am not awoken by his sleep sounds and grunts. But, it is much better than the alternative. And we have all learned to sleep with the sound of the box fan YouTube video.

Please note these are all things that work for us. Our guy eats, poos and pees regularly and has continued to gain weight. Talk to your pediatrician about any and all concerns you may have.

"Bear" is our little guy's alias, as I am not sure I want his name circulating the interwebs at this time. Call me overprotective?

Missing him

For the last 3 weeks and 1 day I have been oohing and awing over my son. For the last 3 weeks and 1 day, so has everyone else.

When family and friends come to visit, I happily hand my darling boy over to them. I let them hold him to their hearts content because he is mine and I have him for the rest of my life. And I am proud of him and love to hear how beautiful they think he is.

But, for the last 3 days, I have been handing him over and I am really starting to miss his heavy little head on my chest as we lay on the couch, smelling his new born smell and feeling his little hands and fingers twitching in his sleep. Yesterday I started to notice the separation anxiety hitting me.

It's my turn again. He is currently sleeping on my chest. Not for his soothing, but mine. I missed him.